Why Choose TWAAS?
A paradigm shift in strategic underachievement.
| Feature | What You Think It Is | What It Actually Does |
|---|---|---|
Infinite Deck Generator™ |
Dynamic AI-built decks | Generates 438 slides so dense no one will admit they didn't read them. |
Meeting Matryoshka® |
Efficient stakeholder syncs | Every meeting births 3 sub-meetings. It's meetings all the way down. |
KPI Kaleidoscope |
Metrics you can trust | Re-color-codes the same vanity metric until it looks "up-and-to-the-right". |
Synergy Fog Machine |
Team alignment sessions | Pumps buzzwords into the call until everyone nods and forgets the question. |
Pricing That Makes No Sense
The more you pay, the slower you move. It's the enterprise way.
Busy-Bee
Up to 5 hrs/wk of meetings you can't skip.
Procrastinator Pro
Adds weekly 50-slide "status narratives" & daily async stand-arounds.
Enterprise Eternal
*Price discovery requires a 6-month consulting engagement.
Our 5-Phase Process
Guaranteed to extend any project timeline indefinitely.
Onboarding Odyssey
A 2-week, 14-form administrative marathon.
Synergy Sync-Up
A 3-hour kickoff meeting with no defined agenda.
Deliverables Drag-Out
Produce artifacts of questionable necessity.
Pre-Post-Retro
Analyze the analysis of the plan to analyze.
Perpetual Pivot™
Declare a "strategic shift" and repeat steps 1-4.
What Our "Partners" Say
Unsolicited feedback from people trapped in our ecosystem.
We haven't shipped a feature since 2023, but our Confluence space is a work of art. Thanks, TWAAS!
TWAAS turned our quick touch-base into a recurring series with sub-committees. I've never felt so… important.
Their jargon density index is off the charts. Our board can't tell if we're geniuses or just trolling them.
Frequently Avoided Questions
Answers designed to generate more questions.
We'll spin up a 12-week cross-functional task force to explore that very possibility. A preliminary report on the feasibility of the exploration will be available in Q3.
Return on Investment? No, no — we specialize in ROA: Return of Activity. Your team's calendars will be 110% utilized, guaranteed.
Absolutely. Just file Form T-42c, schedule a mandatory de-onboarding sprint with the Off-boarding Committee, and await approval. Typical turnaround is 4-6 fiscal quarters.
Ready for a Call to Inaction?
Showcase non-stop hustle with zero risk of accidental progress. Let's block out some time.
Our Calendar is Suspiciously Open